Stuck

Have you ever noticed how your emotions have an actual physical feeling? I mean, I know we say something like, “I feel sad.” Or, “I feel scared.” But that emotion and that feeling … it’s all tied together in this miraculous ball of mind and body and soul. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t imagine being happy without the bubbly, giggly feeling inside. Or being proud without the swelling, soaring feeling inside.

But right now I feel stuck.

I had prepared myself, the best that I could, for the gray of winter. The depression of no sun. The melancholy that penetrates my bones just like the cold air. And while we’ve had a few cold spells and one (tiny) snowfall, the majority of winter has been warmish with temperatures in the 50s, 60s and (*gasp*) low 70s.

I’M NOT COMPLAINING!

But the feelings of summer that accompany the sun and warmth and blue, blue sky are shadowed by … confusion.

My feelings are confused.

Because I’m 49 years old and my psyche knows what time of the year it is, that’s why. My psyche knows it’s supposed to be GRAY!

You know that facial expression that a child gets when they really don’t know if they should pick up the shiny, spinning thing or the loud, flashing thing? That’s how my feelings look.

So if you see me and it seems I WANT to feel happy and bubbly and giggly, but I’m holding back … please just give me a smile or a hug or some chocolate, and tell me you understand.